The last time I shared a postpartum update was three months ago. And as it always is, time is flying by. We have our good days and we have our bad days. I have days where I am up and where I am down and through it all I am simply just trying to have patience with myself, a little understanding and a whole lot of grace.
Looking back, I slipped into the rhythm extremely quickly after each baby. I was only 21 when we had Tanner so I hadn’t settled enough into married life to have anything to compare it to. So not getting sleep, not taking vacations all the time, not having alone time 24/7 with Jarett? It wasn’t an issue because we were so young. Then Blake came and while I did struggle a bit with postpartum depression (due to situational circumstances and having my mother and teenage sister live with us while their new house was being built… in a three bedroom town home), I never struggled with having two kids and handling all that came with it. Then Owen came and I didn’t skip a beat. Blair came along and within the first two weeks I had all four kids at Target by myself without any tears or stress. Like I had been doing it my whole life.
And then Brooks came. And I am still trying to find my rhythm. I want to say it’s probably situational – handling two businesses now along with employees, handling most evenings alone without Jarett due to his work schedule and demands. Life is just a bit different now than it used to be. Okay, a lot different. And we have a lot of balls in the air. From the outside looking in I’m sure others would not be surprised to hear that I am still trying to find my rhythm. But sometimes we can be our own worst critic, you know?
We are six months in. My anxiety gets the best of me a lot, I eat dinner standing up, I don’t watch TV and my showers are no more than 5 minutes usually. Jarett and I just had our first date the other night after having none for over a year. How is that for real life? There is always something to clean up, always someone to help, always a meal to be made, always a deadline to meet and always tears to wipe. Life. is. so. full.
But you know what? Despite all of that? It is so full of the ridiculously good stuff too. Yes, we have bad days and I can get really low. But those good days? I relish in them. I am focused on the tiniest of details when it comes to Brooks. The way is head nestles perfectly into my chest. The way he lays next to me and turns his head ever so slightly so that my nose is right against his soft cheek. The way he now fits on my hip and wraps one arm across my stomach. The smell of his skin right after a bath. The way he always seems to lay a hand on my face and locks eyes and finishes it off with one of his crooked grins.
I’m sure this is in part because he is our last and my season of bearing babes is now over. We were driving in the car the other day and I turned to Jarett and said, “You know something crazy?”. He looked at me and raised his eyebrows waiting for my response. I said, “Knowing that I can’t have anymore babies makes me want another so badly that it hurts”. I think his jaw hit the floorboard in that moment. Not because the thought of number six would even be a doubt for him, but because he never expected to hear it from me.
I have always said that I hate pregnancy. Each one of mine has come with it’s own drama and issues, but I love newborns. I love babies. And I love being a mother. However, when we knew we were headed into emergency surgery to deliver our Brooks, Jarett and I locked eyes in the delivery room and we knew without saying a word to each other. Those nine months that we had just survived took a complete toll on me. The health scares, the future health issues that I need to deal with and how exhausted my body was… we just knew. He turned to our doctor and asked him to tie my tubes during surgery. The doctor looked at me as he grabbed my hand and placed it in his. “Are you sure?”. Without a single tear in my eye, I nodded my head. I knew it was right and had no doubts about it.
So why would I be at six months postpartum crying over not being able to have any more?! Well, time in the realm of motherhood is beautiful that way. It helps us to forget pain and suffering so that we can bear children again and be excited about it. And I have always had authority issues so knowing that I now physically can’t have one? Well, of course I am wanting one. Jarett gave me a big hug when we got out of the car, kissed my cheek and told me he would fill my home with puppies if that’s what it took to fill the void. Sure. That’s all I need in my life. Well, actually. I could see that helping.
So… here we are. Six months in. Living life as best we can. Truly breathing in each and every last detail as Brooks continues to grow and as I say goodbye to each of the last milestones I will ever experience. He truly is the sweetest end to such a beautiful chapter of our lives. Life really is so full and I’m so glad it’s full of this ridiculously good stuff…